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(597) Jesus and Satan [joke]

Bickering jokes


Jesus and Satan and PC.jpg

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering1).

GOD 0.jpg

Finally, God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."

So, Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets2). They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy3) reports. They made cards. They did every known job. But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course, the electricity went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on and each of them restarted their computers.

Satan started searching frantically, screaming "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became irate4).

"Wait! He cheated, how did he do it?"

God 1.jpg

God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves5)."

1) bickering: [ˈbɪkɝɪŋ] 口論
2) spreadsheet: 表計算シート
3) genealogy: [dʒìːniάlədʒi]家系、血筋、(動植物・言語の)系統、系図、系図学、系譜学、(動植物などの)系統学
4) irate; ひどく怒った
5) save: 救う/[コンピューター](情報・データなど)を保存する、セーブする。

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Jesus saves: The Bible teaches us that Jesus came to save sinners.
(One of the first things to learn is to save your work on the computer.)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w3yoyaUj-Sg

Jesus saves s.jpg

Trinity:
The Christian doctrine of the Trinity defines one God existing in three coequal, coeternal, consubstantial divine persons: God the Father, God the son (Jesus Christ) and God the Holy Spirit, three distinct persons (hypostases) sharing one essence/substance/nature (homoousion).

三位一体.jpg

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Google 翻訳

 イエスとサタンは、どちらがコンピューターですぐれているかについて議論を続けていました。彼らは何日もそれを続けていました、そして神はすべての口論1)を聞くのにうんざりしていました。

最後に神は、「落ち着いてください。2時間のテストを設定して、誰がより良い仕事をしたかを判断します。」と言われました。

それでサタンとイエスはキーボードに座ってタイプを打ちました。彼らはねずみをしましたマウスを使った。彼らはスプレッドシート作成表計算2)しましたを。彼らはレポートを書きました。彼らはファックスを送りました。彼らは電子メールを送りました。彼らは添付ファイル付の電子メールを送信しました。彼らはダウンロードした。かれらはいくつかの家系図3)のレポートを送信しました。彼らはカードをつくりました。かれらは既知のあらゆる仕事をしました。しかし、制限時間の10分前に、突然稲妻が空を横切り、雷鳴が鳴り響き、雨が降り、そしてもちろん電気が消えました。

サタンは空白の画面を見つめ、冥界で知られているあらゆる呪いの言葉を叫びました。イエスはただため息をついた。ようやく電気が再び点灯し、それぞれがコンピューターを再起動しました。

サタンは必至に探し始め、「消えた!すべてなくなった!停電ですべてを失った!」と叫びました。

一方、イエスは静かに過去2時間のファイルをすべて印刷し始めました。サタンはこれをみて激怒しました4)

「待ってください!彼は不正行為をしました、どうやって不正したのですか?」

神は肩をすくめて、「イエスは救って(saves)くださいます(イエスはコンピューターへ作業内容を記憶保存させます」と言われました。

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(594) Seppuku [joke]

SEPPUKU (Ritual suicide of samurai by cutting the stomach open)

Adobe Scan 2023_12_12_1 cleaned s.jpg

 A certain ronin, that is, masterless samurai, goes to a sake1) shop to provide excuses for his debt, but the owner refuses to acknowledge it.

 Having no other choice, the ronin takes off his kimono and says,
"I'll commit seppuku, so please pay off my debt. Will that still not be enough?"

 The owner responds,
"I've grown tired of that line," and mocks him. 

 The ronin thrusts his short sword into his side, cutting up to his navel, and then stares at the owner, asking,
"How about now?"

 The owner inquires,
"Why don't you cut it all the way through?"

 The ronin replies,
"The other half will be done at the rice store."

1) sake: [sάːki] 日本酒

子どもも、おとなも楽しめる 江戸こばなし(4) 江戸小ばなし

子どもも、おとなも楽しめる 江戸こばなし(4) 江戸小ばなし

  • 出版社/メーカー: フレーベル館
  • 発売日: 2020/12/14
  • メディア: Kindle版
切腹
 ある浪人、酒屋へいって借金のいいわけをしますが、亭主は承知しません。しかたgないので、浪人は着物を脱ぎ、
「腹を切るが、それでもだめか?」
と言いましたが、亭主は
「そのせりふは、聞き飽きた」
と、あざわらいます。浪人は脇差を横腹へ突っ込み、へそまで切ると、
「どうだ」
と亭主をにらみました。
「なぜ、みんなお切りにならないので?」
と亭主が聞くと、
「あとの半分は、米屋できる」
*


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(584) A frog visits a Fortune teller [joke]

frog Hi s.jpg

There is a young male frog. One day the frog goes to a fortune teller to find out if he will ever be lucky in love.
frog fortune teller.jpg
The fortune teller reads his palm1) and tells the frog, "I have good news and I have bad news. Which would you like to hear first?"
reading of frog's palm 2.jpg

The frog asks for the good news first.
The fortune teller says, "You are going to meet the most beautiful girl, who is very interested in you and will want to know all about you. She will want you to open up for her and you will give her your heart."

"That's great!" says the frog. "But what's the bad news?"

frog bye.jpg
"Well, you're going to meet her in Biology class."
frog anatomy.jpg
"She is a human female student."


1) read his palm: 彼の手のひらを読む(手相を見る)
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(577) A liar's joke and Enma the king [joke]

The Enma Festival was held from Feb. 4th to 6th at Seigoji temple in Uwajima.

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Enma is the great king of the Buddhist hades.

Here is an English joke.

What happens when a liar dies?


舌をぬく.jpg
Some Japanese might answer to this question like this.
His tongue will be pulled out by Enma, the king of Hell.
But this English joke's answer is,

He lies still.


This answer has double meanings.


One is;
He is in a horizontal position, not moving.


The other is;
He continues telling lies after his death.
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(575) Jokes about Well [joke]

Why did the man fall down the well?
なぜ、男は井戸に落ちたのか?
22698790 m.jpg
Because he couldn't see that well.
それが、よく(well)見えなかったから。

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Why did the old person fall in the well?
なぜ老人は井戸に落ちたのでしょうか?


Old man.jpg22730817 m.jpg
He couldn't see that well.
それが、よく(well)見えなかったから。

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*Seriously, as we get older, our eyesight gets poorer and our movement become clumsier, so be careful when we go out.

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Why did the banana go to the doctor?
なぜバナナは医者のところへ行ったのですか?
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Answer: It didn't peel well!
気分が良くなかった(didn't feel well)からです。

皮がうまくむけなかった(didn't peel well)からです。
23118538 m.jpg1172022 m.jpg
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Q: What did the doctor diagnose the horse with when he wasn't feeling well?

馬の調子が悪い時、医者は何と診断したのでしょう?

1136954 m.jpg23333395 m.jpg


A: Hay fever. (花粉症。枯草熱 Hay=干し草)


1172022 m.jpg23375894 m.jpg
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(571) Walking a pet carrot [joke]

I know it's dumb but it's one of my favorite jokes. So, I think I'd share it.

walking pet carrot s.jpg

  A man is walking his pet carrot. As he's walking his pet, it gets hit by a car1). After rushing to the ER2), the man paces3) the waiting room as the doctor comes out exhausted from surgery.
"Doctor, is my carrot alive? Is it OK?"
The doctor sighs. "I have good news and bad news."
"The good news is your pet carrot is alive."
The man breathes a sigh of relief.
"What's the bad news doctor?"
The doctor looks him in the eyes and says, "Well, I'm sorry but, your carrot's gonna be a vegetable4) for the rest of its life."
vegetable carrot s.jpg
1) get hit by a car: 車に轢かれる
2) ER: emergency room
3) pace: to walk slowly backwards and forwards, especially when you are waiting or worried
4) vegetable: (offensive) an offensive word for a person who is physically alive  but not capable of much mental or physical activity, for example because of a serious accident or illness 

ある男がペットのニンジンを散歩させています。散歩中、ペットは車に轢かれて1)しまいました。救急処置室2)へ駆け込んだ男は、待合室で歩き回って3)いると、手術に疲れ果てた医者が出来る。
「先生、私のニンジンは生きていますか?大丈夫でしょうか?」

医者はため息をつく。「良い知らせと悪い知らせがあります。」
「良い知らせは、あなたのペットのニンジンは命を取り留めたということです。」
男は安堵のため息をつく。
「悪い知らせは何ですか、先生?」
医者は彼の目を見て言った、「残念ですが、あなたのニンジンはこれからの一生を、寝たきりの植物ニンジン4)として生きていくこととなります。」
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(568) Carrot's Good News and Bad News [joke]

Adobe Scan 2022_08_27_1 (1) s trimmed.jpg
Two carrots are walking together down the street1)
One of them stepped onto2) the road and ended up3) getting run over4) by a car.

Adobe Scan 2022_08_27 (1)_1 s trimmed.jpg
The other carrot calls 9115) and they take him to the hospital.

Adobe Scan 2022_08_27 (2)_1 s trimmed.jpg
After hours of waiting the doctor comes out and says, "I have good news and bad news, the good news is your friend is going to make it6), the bad news is that he's going to be a vegetable7) for the rest of his life."
二本のニンジンがいっしょに通りを歩いている1)。一本が道路にあしを踏み入れてしまい2)、結局3)車にひかれてしまった4)。もう一本のニンジンは救急車5)を呼び、病院へ連れて行った。何時間も待たされたあと、医者が出てきて、こう言った、「良いニュースと悪いニュースがあります、良いニュースは、あなたの友人は助かりそうだということです6)、悪いニュースは彼は今後、一生、植物人間7)になってしまうということです。」

1) down the street: along/down/up the street

2) onto: used with verbs to express movement on or to a particular place or position

   She stepped down from the train tonto the platform.

3) end up: to find yourself in a place or situation at the end of a process or period of time end up doing something / I ended up doing all the work myself.

4) run over: (of a vehicle or its driver) to knock a person or animal down and drive over their body or a part of it / Two children were run over and killed. My dog almost got run over.

5) 911: the phone number used in the US to call the police, fire or ambulance services in an emergency

6) make it: to survive after a serious illness or accident; do deal successfully with a difficult experience / The doctors think he's going to make it.

7) vegetable: (offensive) an offensive word for a person who is physically alive but not capable of much mental or physical activity, for example because of a serious accident or illness
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(557) Important part of Japanese grammar [joke]

  Katsura Sunshine is a Rakugo comic story teller. He is Canadian. He has lived in Japan for about 20 years. A few years ago, he did his performance in Tront Canada. He did his comic story in English. It's about Japanese language. It goes like this.

  There is important part in Japanese grammar. It is called NOBASU. It is lengthening the vowel. It is almost imperceptible1) for Anglophone2) ear. If you lengthen the vowel you can really run yourself into trouble.

  I will give you some pairs of words that are troublesome.

Tori --- bird,
Toori --- road.

Now, if you mistake a bird for a road or a road for a bird, are given that much trouble.

These get worse.
Obasan --- madam,
Obaasan --- old lady.

Shujin --- husband,
Shuujin --- prisoner.

Komon --- supervisor,
Koomon --- ass hole.

His short story finished here.

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1) imperceptible: not capable of being distinguished
2) Anglophone: a person who speaks English, especially in countries where English is not the only language that is spoken
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I found "tori and toori" in a book, TONGUE TRIPPERS.

タング・トリッパー

タング・トリッパー

  • 出版社/メーカー: アルク
  • 発売日: 2022/03/30
  • メディア: 単行本
The book I have here is a one published in 1996, though.
tongue trippers s.jpg


tori toori s.jpg

The pair of obasan and obaasan is also mentioned in this book.

obasan obaasan s.jpg

Even if you pronounce obasan properly, there is another thing to be careful. What you should be careful about is whether to address a middle-aged woman who is not your aunt as obasan or oneesan (used for younger women). This book advises like this. In cases where you're not sure which one to use, play it safe by using oneesan.  
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(531) Few infected people in Japan [joke]

ヨーロッパで、新聞記者が、感染症の専門医に聞きました。
In Europe, a newspaper reporter asked an infectious disease specialist.
記者「日本では感染者数が少ないようですが?」
The reporter: "It seems that there are few infected people in Japan?"
医者「いや日本の状況は、すでに断崖絶壁の一歩手前まで来ていますよ」
The doctor: "No, the situation in Japan is already one step before the cliff."
記者「それで我々は?」
The reporter: "So, what about us?"
医者「日本の一歩先をいっています!」
The doctor: "We are one step ahead of Japan!"

世界の日本人ジョーク集 令和編 (中公新書ラクレ, 720)

世界の日本人ジョーク集 令和編 (中公新書ラクレ, 720)

  • 作者: 早坂 隆
  • 出版社/メーカー: 中央公論新社
  • 発売日: 2021/03/06
  • メディア: 新書

The situation of the world is changing day by day. Vaccination is changing it better in several countries in Europe. Japan is still one step behind of them.

TIME: The Coronavirus Brief
Friday, April 23, 2021
Twice this week, India shattered the global record for COVID-19 diagnoses in a single day. The U.S. set that record with just over 300,000 cases in a day this past winter; India reported more than 332,000 diagnoses today alone.

Here's where daily cases have risen or fallen over the last 14 days, shown in confirmed cases per 100,000 residents:

covid-19 world map s.jpg

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(508) Riddles about Three C's [joke]

  One of the key measures against COVIT-19 is to prevent occurrence of clusters. So it is very important to avoid "three C's" in daily life. The risk of occurrence of clusters is particularly high when the "Three C's" overlap.


1st C: Closed spaces with poor ventilation (密閉空間)
2nd C: Crowded places with many people nearby (密集場所)
3rd C: Close-contact settings such as close-range conversations (密接場所)

密閉.jpg

1st C: Closed spaces with poor ventilation
Be careful to choose a room to use.

Can you guess what room has no walls, floor, ceiling, or windows?


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A mushroom.

ceiling [síːlɪŋ] 天井、上限
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密集.jpg

2nd C: Crowded places with many people nearby (密集場所)
Let me think of "number of people".

If two is company and three is a crowd, what are four and five?


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Nine.

ことわざ Two's company, three's none [a crowd]
二人はよい連れ、三人は仲間割れ。
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密接.jpg

3rd C: Close-contact settings such as close-range conversations (密接場所)
A doctor and a patient is one of close-contact settings. In this case an apple really works.

If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, what does a garlic do?


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It keeps everyone away.

一日一個のリンゴ、医者いらず。ではニンニクは?
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