(497) Cooking

(497) Cooking

  I keep staying home for COVID-19 (new corona virus) crisis. The other day I cooked wing sticks with seasoned vinegar (AJI PON / in Japanese), garlic and ginger. So I’d like to give you a joke about cooking now.

Cooking
  A newly-married society girl1) was determined to prove to her husband what an accomplished2) cook she was, and on the servant’s day off, set about3) cooking a chicken for his dinner. She plucked4) the fowl5) carefully, and arranged it neatly in a pot, and put it in the oven.

  Two hours later she heard a loud banging on the oven door. Investigation proved that the disturbance6) was being made by the chicken.
  “Lady,” it cried piteously7), “either give me back my feathers or turn on the gas. I’m freezing to death8) in this oven.”

1) society girl : an 'it' girl, or party girl. usually mega rich, some are a bit slutty, and trend setter. (by Urban Dictionary)
2) accomplished : complete or perfect
3) set about 〜ing : start the performance of some task or activity.
4) pluck : pull off or out
5) fowl : birds, especially ones that are kept on a farm
6) disturbance : an occasion when people behave violently or make a lot of noise in public
7) piteously : pitifully
8) freeze to death : (to cause a person) to be very cold or to die from cold
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(490) Joke/ Barbers

Barbers

A Broadway playboy 1) had a closer shave 2) than he bargained for 3) in a local barber recently. His manicure 4) girl was very beautiful and the playboy suggested dinner and a show that evening.

 “I don’t think I ought to,” said the girl demurely 5). “I am married.”

 “Ask your husband,” suggested the playboy. “I’m sure he wouldn’t mind.”

 “Ask him yourself,” said the girl. “He’s shaving you.”

 

1) Broadway playboy:

→Broadway boy: A loud, garishly dressed, small-time gambler or ladies’ man.

2) be (have) a close shave (of it): 危ないところを逃れる

3) bargain for [bɑ́ːrgin]: to expect sth to happen and be ready for it.

4) manicure : treatment for the fingernails

5) demurely: shyly, modestly, timidly

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(483) Joke / Cow

ANIMAL JOKE / Cow

   A city feller1) who didn’t know the front end of a goat from a magnolia2) bush was watching his week-end host’s daughter milking her cow when a farm hand3) hollered4), “Cheese it5), here comes the bull!”

   The city feller vaulted6) a fence for safety, but noted to his surprise that the girl never budged7) from her stool. Furthermore, the bull brought up8) abruptly, snorted almost apologetically and meekly retreated9) to his enclosure.

   “Weren't you petrified10) ? ” demanded11) the guest.
   “Not me,” said the daughter, “but I reckon12) the bull was. This here cow’s his mother-in-low.”

 

1) feller = fellow
2) magnolia [ægnóuliə] : モクレン
3) farm hand → farmhand: 農場［農業］労働者
4) holler [hɑ́lər]: cry out
5) cheese it: やめる、よす、逃げる、ずらかる get away, run away
6) vault [vɔ́ːlt]: spring over especially with the help of the hands or a pole
7) budge [bʌ́dʒ]: move from a place
8) bring up: ぴたりと止まる
9) retreat [itríːt]: go back
10) petrify [pétrəfài]: make rigid or inactive (as from fear)
11) demand :ask for with authority
12) reckon: consider
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(480) joke, big-game hunter and a lion

A big-game hunter VS a huge lion

  An intrepid1) big-game hunter was on his way back to camp with a record day’s bag2) when a huge lion suddenly stalked3) out of the jungle not thirty paces4) away.

The hunter had only one bullet left in his gun.
   He waited until the lion was ready to spring, took careful aim,  ― and missed. The jig was up5), he figured, ― but then a miracle occurred. The lion sprang too far, and landed in a heap6), fifteen feet beyond the hunter, who made the stockade7) in safety.

 The next afternoon the hunter went into his back yard to practice a little shooting at close range. He heard the strange noise outside the fence, and peered over it to see what was afoot8).  It was the lion ― practicing short leaps!
--- 笑う英語 Bennett Cerf’s JOKES For All Occasions, 1981

1) intrepid [ɪntrépɪd]: Fearless; bold; brave.
2) a record[rékɚd] day’s bag:
    Record: 記録的な
    Bag: The quantity of game taken in a particular period (usually by one person).
3) stalk [stˈɔːk]: To walk slowly and cautiously; to walk in a stealthy, noiseless manner
4) pace: The distance covered by a step.
5) The jig[ʤɪ́g] was up. : the game was up.
6) in a heap: どたりと
7) afoot [əfˈʊt]: Currently in progress.
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(464) Joke / Christmas

(464) Joke / Christmas

(Macy’s wooden escalator)

  Despite the best effort of child psychiatrists, there are still a lot of kids of four or five --- even in sophisticated New York --- who believe in Santa Claus.
  One of them was taken by his mother to the toy department in Macy’s on a December morning last year and was dully propped up on Santa’s lap.
  “What do you want for Christmas, my lad?” asked Santa Claus dutifully.
  “Better write it down,” said the lad, “or you’ll forget.”
  “Trust me," urged Santa. “My memory never fails.”
The lad was dubious, but catalogued his demands.
  The same afternoon, mother and son arrived at Gimbel’s and the lad found himself on Santa’s lap for a second time. The Gimbel Santa asked the usual question.
  “What do you want for Christmas?” The lad slipped off his lap, kicked him lustily in the shin, and yelled, “You numskull, I knew you’d forget!”

psychiatrists [saikáiətrist]: 精神分析医
Macy’s: Macy's department store

dully: 退屈するように
be propped up: (transitive, usually with "up") To position the feet while sitting or reclining so that the knees are elevated at a higher level.
lad [lˈæd]: 少年、坊や
urge: 〔人に～するよう強く〕促す、要請する、勧める
My memory never fails.: 私は忘れたことなんかないんだよ。
dubious [djúːbiəs]: being in doubt〔人が物事を〕疑わしく思う、半信半疑の
catalogue [kǽtəlɔ̀ɡ]: 目録を作る
Gimbel’s [ɡɪ́mbəl-]: Macy's and Gimbel's were popular
department stores located within two blocks of one another in Midtown Manhattan in New York City; the latter store is now defunct.

for a second time: 二度目
lustily [lʌ́stili]: 元気いっぱいに、力強く
numskull [nʌ́mskʌ̀l]: ばか者
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(451) doctor

 

Doctor
“Doctor, doctor,” called Mr. Schutz frantically1), “come quick. You know my wife always sleeps
with her mouth wide open and just now a mouse ran down her throat.”

I’ll be over in a few minutes,” said the doctor. “Meanwhile2), try waving a piece of cheese in front of her
mouth and maybe the mouse will come out.

When the doctor reached the Schultz
apartment, he found Mr. Schultz in his shirt sleeves3)
waving a six-pound flounder frantically in front of the prostrate4) Mrs. Schultz’s face.

“What’s the idea?” said the exasperated5)
doctor.”  “I told you to wave a piece of
cheese. Mice don’t like flounders6).”


“I know, I know,” gasped Mr. Schultz. “But we’ve got to get the cat out first.”

(1) frantically: [frˈænṭɪkəli] 気も狂わんばかりに、半狂乱で、必死に

(2) meanwhile: [míːn(h)wὰɪl] そうしている間に.

(3) in his shirt sleeves --> shirtsleeves: The state of wearing no coat,
jacket, or other outer garment over one's shirt　シャツ一枚になって

(4) prostrate: [prάstreɪt] 腹ばいになった、伏した
(5) exasperated: [ɪɡzǽspɚèɪtɪd] 憤慨した、怒った
(6) flounders: [flάʊndɚ] 平らな魚、ヒラメ、カレイ
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(447) The French

(447) The French


笑う英語
佐藤亮一　訳注
文建書房
Vest Pocket Book of Jokes for All Occasion
by Bennet Cerf
Original English Edition Published
by Random House, Inc., New York
Copyright 1956 by Bennet Cerf

この本の中のジョークをひとつ、暗記することにする。まず、単語の意味と発音を調べた。

The French
 An American soldier, standing outside Nortre Dame Cathedral1) in Paris, saw a magnificent2) wedding procession3) enter. “Who’s the bride-groom?” he asked a Frenchman4) standing next to him. “Je ne sais pas5),” was the reply.
  A few minutes later, the soldier inspected the interior6) of the cathedral himself, and saw a coffin being carried down the aisle7). “Whose funeral?” he demanded of8) an attendant.
 “Je ne sais pas,“ said the attendant. “Holy mackerel9),” exclaimed the soldier. “He certainly didn’t last long.

 

1) Nortre Dame Cathedral[kəθíːdrəl]: ノートルダム寺院

2) Magnificent [mægnífəsnt]: 豪華な

3) a wedding procession: 婚礼の行列.

4) Frenchman [fréntʃmən]: フランス人

5) Je ne sais pas ジュ・ヌ・セ・パ　I don’t know.

6) Interior [ɪntí(ə)riɚ]: 内部

7) aisle [άɪl]: (教会堂の)側廊

8) demand of: （人）に尋ねる［要求する］

9) Holy mackerel [mǽkərl]: Interjection. (idiomatic humorous or euphemistic) An expression
of surprise. えっ；うそだろ!；クソ!；まずい!；なんてこった! 解説 驚きや恐怖・不快感を表す表現。主に男性に使われる俗語。

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(440) A Survival Game

「英語の笑い話」というブログでこのJokeを読みました。残念ながら2011年9月10日にブログ終了しているようです。

A Survival Game (Joke)

Six married men will be dropped on an island with one car and three kids each for six weeks.

Each kid will play two sports and take either music or dance classes.

There is no fast food.

Each man must take care of his three kids, keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, complete science projects1), cook, do laundry, and pay a list of "pretend" bills2) with not enough money.

1) 理科の実習
2) 架空の請求書

 

In addition, each man will have to budget money for3) groceries each week.

3) calculate enough money for

 

Each man must remember the birthdays of all their friends and relatives and send cards out4)on
time--no emailing.

4) カードを発送する

Each man must also take each child to a doctor's appointment, a dentist appointment, and a
haircut appointment.

He must make one unscheduled and
inconvenient visit per child to the Urgent Care5).

5) 外来治療

He must also make cookies or cupcakes for a social function6).

6) 社交の催し

 

Each man will be responsible for decorating his own assigned house, planting flowers outside, and keeping it presentable7) at all times.

7) 見苦しくないように

 

The men will have access to8) television only when the kids are asleep and all chores are done.

8)〔物や情報などを〕入手［利用］できる

The men must shave their legs, wear makeup daily, adorn themselves with9) jewelry,

 

9) ～を…で飾る、～に…をつける

 

wear uncomfortable yet stylish shoes, and keep fingernails polished and eyebrows groomed10).

10) ～をきれいにする、手入れする、きれいに整える

During one of the six weeks, the men will have to endure severe abdominal cramps and back aches and have extreme, unexplained mood swings but never once complain or slow down from other duties.

They must attend weekly school meetings and church and find time at least once each week to spend the afternoon at the park or a similar setting.

They will need to read a book to the kids each night and in the morning, feed them, dress them, brush their teeth, and comb their hair by 7:00 a.m.

A test will be given at the end of the six weeks, and each father will be required to know all of the following information: each child's birthday, height, weight, shoe size, clothing size,
and doctor's name. He also must know the child's weight and length at birth,

time of birth, and length of labor11); and each child's favorite color, middle name, favorite snack, favorite song, favorite drink, favorite toy, and biggest fear. He also will know what they all want to be when they grow up.

11) 陣痛の時間

 

The kids vote them off the island based on performance. The last man wins only if he still has enough energy to spend quality time with12) his spouse at a moment's notice.

12) と大切な［充実した］時間を過ごす

If the last man does win, he can play the game over and over and over again for the next 18-25 years, eventually earning the right to be called Mother!
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